Published on February 8th, 2014 | by Tanuki0
Ninja Fail :: Wellesley College Panty Raider Freezes To Death!
It is perhaps the most important thing all fresh-from-CHIKAN-shadow-arts-academy ninjas overlook: mission planning. Next on the list, at a close 2nd, would be that of the ninja losing his/her objectivity thereby botching an entire secret assignment. As they say, “Sh*t Happens!”—and it does—but in all these ninja fails, we see the best of the worse take their craft (if one could call it that) to depths previously thought unreachable. Let their stories serve as a sharp reality check to those recent graduates who might be a little too anxious to get their feet wet …or frozen, that is.
Our most recent ninja fail took place at the Fort Knox of Panty Dispensaries: the famous, all-girl, Wellesley College. A would-be panty raider ended up getting caught cold-handed due to not dressing accordingly for the chilly New England winter. The 30-something-looking, balding, slightly chubby male of Caucasian descent was found standing completely still near the entrance to the snowy campus last Sunday morning. And the kicker: he was wearing nothing, save of a pair of Hanes briefs! Looks like this ninja got a little too cocky and lost his head without even breaching the castle gates.
Not yet identified, the blundering ninja has been described by some to appear in a suspended state of ambiguity. With hands outstretched, as if he was either possessed or fleeing, and an expression of discomfort or ecstasy, the man has become an object of outrage (to some) and humor (to others). This has caused many to flock to the figure and snap photos and share them across various social apps, while other “more concerned” parties have initiated a petition to have the half-naked pervert removed at once.
Honestly, it doesn’t help one bit that this fool was skulking about in nothing but his skivvies …during the second week of February …in Massachusetts! Really, who does that? Common sense should tell any dude that if the temperature is so cold your beer has instantaneously turned itself into a brick, or your you-know-what has begun retreating for warmer environs inside your lower abdomen, you need to put a damn hat and jacket on. If not, stay the f*ck inside. You’re not a bear!
New England weathers are known throughout the U.S. to be erratic and unpredictable—so unpredictable, you’ll often hear the local natives ranting about how, “The weatherman f*cked up once again! You can’t trust those guys!”. But still, that didn’t keep Mr. Freeze from his grandiose panty snatching campaign. This harkens back to my earlier point about ninja losing their objectivity by over-indulging in naughty feelings, thus compromising the mission.
The private college is not only known for being a hotbed of 18-21 y/o cuties, it also has been graced by a ton of (now) esteemed alumni throughout its history. That’s a lot of famous and intelligent panties any chikan ninja would love to add to his burusera collection.
*Inspired by an Original Story @ CBS Boston
Featured Image via Boston Globe