Published on May 6th, 2013 | by Tanuki0
Scientifically Accurate Ninja Turtles :: A Racy TMNT Parody [MUSIC VIDEO]!
The jig is up! Who knew? As usual, Science has to go and spoil all the fun with a comprehensive, myth-busting presentation on turtles. Borrowing the catchy Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Theme Song, Animation Domination High Def (youtube channel) has mounted their empirical evidence using re-imagined lyrics and hysterical—you guessed it— animations. Kick back with a slice of pepperoni/anchovy pizza and have a listen.
The Shocking Truth
It’s become a sad reality when we can no longer rely on mutant heroes to thwart crime and injustice on behalf of the good, defenseless citizens. No more hoping for Leonardo, Donatello, Michelangelo and Raphael to come swooping in to and save the day from the likes of Shredder and his Foot Clan. Without these pizza-scarfing, sewer-dwelling ninja dudes, what are we left with? What do we have to look forward to once we’ve peeled back the veil that separates fantasy from the real world?
The Cold, HARD Facts
ADHD has presented some compelling details about the ninja turtles—the finer points, of which, I’ve listed below. It gives me no pleasure to sully the heroic image of this esteemed quartet, but here goes…
1) Turtles don’t have ears. (So don’t bother screaming for help, you crybaby!)
2) Turtles don’t have vocal chords. (So no witty banter or the rallying cry of “Cowabunga!”)
3) Turtles don’t have a clean bill of health. (So no hanky panky, ladies …unless you’d like a cocktail of diseases swimming in your intestines.)
4) Turtles live upwards of 200 years! In human terms, the stage of mental development of these teenaged tortoises is that of a 1st grader. (Ai yay yay!)
And besides their mentor being a dirty rat bastard that poops while he’s eating scraps from a trash can, the most surprising of all facts is…(drum-roll)…
5) TURTLES HAVE HUMONGOUS DICKS! *faints*
No need for nunchaku, sai, bow-staff skills or swords, the real TMNT have the most dangerous weapon of of all seated between their legs.
On second though, maybe a world like this isn’t so bad after all. Without a psychotic, muscle-bound Japanese guy in a knife suit causing terror throughout the city, the most you’d ever have to fear of a real-life Shredder would be…(* see picture to the right)